Here I Go Again (On My Own) – The Bachelorette Premiere

So begins our coverage of The Bachelorette this season with the premiere. Much like the rest of the world, Bachelor Nation has not been spared from the ravaging pandemic that is COVID-19. 

That seems not to have stopped perennial host Chris Harrison from getting a mediocre dye job during quarantine. Nor can it stop the bullet train that is love (at least according to the show it can’t). 

A few caveats as we begin our coverage this season: 

• Something crazy happened that cut production short.
• Tayshia Adams (of Colton Underwood’s season) is touted as some sort of temporary salve to the outcries of racism on the show in regards to Black representation. 
• We also know that Matt James has been announced as the first Black Bachelor. 

However

• NO we will not be seeking out spoilers even though much of the info is floating around
  • We will be watching the season as presented
• We have not seen Clare’s first two appearances on the various shows, only her second stint on Bachelor in Paradise and The Bachelor Winter Games. 

So with that all out of the way let us dive in!

Setting the Stage for the Premiere

From the beginning the show seems to be trying to head off whatever groundbreaking news there is with various teases and looks ahead to the chaos. We are given one of Harrison’s patented “this is a season unlike any other” talks from the driveway of…. NOT Bachelor Mansion?!

That’s right for this season we’re relocating to Palm Springs at the La Quinta resort. Now no shade to economy hotels but we have never thought of La Quinta as a particularly luxury brand. Of course being in Palm Springs inherently elevates price tags to another tier. From the brief glimpses of the rooms we got, it didn’t seem like they were living in the lap of luxury. 

At the time of writing this, one can book a 900 square foot “Spa Villa Suite” that looks like it was decorated out of a 1970s catalog specializing in brown for a mere $490 a night. Or a more economic “Double Resort Casita” for $261 a night (not including taxes and fees). Not exactly pocket change, but not as outrageous as the majority of locales the show touts. 

At least they’re getting their own rooms. Normally they cram into the Bachelor Mansion where they have to share accommodations. Also let’s be honest: Bachelor Mansion is probably so crawling with it’s own super variants of diseases that allowing it to combine with the current strains of coronavirus would have been an act of biological warfare. 

Young At Heart

There are clearly going to be two overarching themes this season: the pandemic (cause duh) and how old Clare is. 

For those unaware, at 39 Clare is the oldest main contestant the show has ever seen. Not that our dear crone Clare hasn’t made many, many, many attempts before to find “true love” on the show. However apparently in Bachelor Nation you might as well be dead if you’re a woman and 39 and unwed. 

Of course we don’t agree with this sentiment, and we want to uplift women. That being said there is just something OFF about Clare. We know she’s beloved to many hardcore fans of the franchise but there’s probably something to be said about having this many goes on the show and still thinking it’s a viable way to find love.

In her heart of hearts she probably understands that it’s just a business opportunity. Yet the way she tries to sell her journey on the show is off putting. Also it took us a few minutes to pinpoint this but at some point clearly Clare had a LOT of botox done. The result is her eyebrows being more or less paralyzed and her cheeks essentially immobile. Why does this matter? Because most humans depend on facial expressions to convey the authenticity of emotions. Clare is constantly smiling but her smile never reaches her eyes. It’s subtle but unsettling. Look closely the next time you see her “emote” and then prepare to never be able to look at her the same way again.

Catch My Disease

As far as the other theme, the premiere spent a considerable amount of time trying to show us the precautions they were taking in order to mitigate the threat of the pandemic. This ranged from watching grown men complain about the testing procedure to…. watching grown men complain about how long they’re waiting and boo hoo they had to wait an extra however many days to start production.

Meanwhile over a million people worldwide (and climbing) have lost their lives to COVID-19. Go on though gents, keep complaining about how bad you have it in your mini suites. Keep complaining about how you are opting in to an experience that yeah requires you to get a big ol q-tip up your noggin. 

A good portion of the intro is dedicated to covering on how surreal it is to be able to hug people and physically interact during the pandemic. Must be nice…

Yes we acknowledge life must continue, and that we might be slightly hypocritical for happily consuming the entertainment that the show produced during the pandemic. It must be said for the team at The Bachelor and The Bachelorette that they will do anything in their power to try to make lemons out of lemonade. 

However it doesn’t make any of these contestants (Clare included) noble for “seeking love” during these times. It makes them selfish. Contestants have always been selfish, so it’s nothing new, but let’s call it what it is. Risking flying back and forth to film the show? Also we don’t know what happens to them once they’re eliminated. Do they stay on the compound so they don’t travel unnecessarily? Are they required to quarantine when they return from whence they came? We doubt it. 

However we’re here for this ride so let’s take it. 

Our Premiere Journey Begins

Though we might be in a different location, that’s not going to stop the age old Bachelorette tradition of awkward intros.

As we meet our parade of nincompoops who continually try to impress with cheesier and cheesier gimmicks. They all had a few things in common, and strangely the thing we noticed most was their either disdain for or inability to afford socks or pants that fit. Are loafers really that en vogue right now? Can none of these men afford pants that extend past their ankles? If this had been Victorian times people would be SCANDALIZED.

Here are our first impressions:

• AJ – Clammy hands and crushed Clare’s fingers. That’s about it.
• Ben – Was an Army Ranger and seems like he’s here just to build up a mindfulness brand or something after. 
• Bennett – Managed to drop that he went to Harvard within 20 seconds of his first appearance. That has to be a new record. Has the soulless stare of a Great White Shark.
• Blake Monar – Wow really we have TWO Blake M’s this season so we have to give them their entire last name. This is getting out of hand. Blake is the new Becca of names. Takes a lot of confidence to put “Male Grooming Specialist” on your name title, and based on your looks I’m guessing you don’t get a lot of clients. 
• Blake Moynes – Came in trying to play coy/ mind games from the start. Has a horrific growth on his chin but could be good looking if he got rid of it. Or we fear that he has a REALLY long pointy face and the chin rug is covering it. He also broke the show rules and contacted Clare during the quarantine. Contestants aren’t supposed to have contact before filming. His gamble paid off, and he was rewarded with one of the first kisses on the show. 
• Brandon – How is it possible to accurately convey so little personality in so little time. 
• Brendan – Apparently not to be confused with Brandon, but equally uninteresting. 
• Chasen – Ever see someone and just know they’re a douche? That’s Chasen (and Bennett). 
• Chris – Fare the well first of the Asian heritage contestants. We were never gonna get a chance to know thee. 
• Dale – More on Dale later. 
• Demar – Cheesy parachute gimmick that was like a dad joke come to life. Much like many of the contestants he’s a good decade plus younger than Clare. While we believe that age is but a number, come on meow…..
• Eazy – Here for the fame and to be the voice of the producers on the show. We’ve had worse producer moles before though, he seems like he’ll be up to the task.
• Ed – Showing up in a giant hamster wheel / bubble. Is he possibly related to Lou Ferrigno? 
• Garin – Hoping that as a professor of journalism the only reason he’s here is actually to do a deep dive investigation into the show. Otherwise we wouldn’t trust a single thing he was publishing or teaching.
  Ivan – What in the world made him think Clare would give a rats ass about him impressing her with one whole line of Tagalog? 
• Jason – Committed to a very awkward pregnancy stunt intro that was apparently a callback to Clare’s very first intro on her first season. Seems like a doofus but a relatively well meaning one. He’ll be gone quickly. 
• Jay – Arrived in a straight jacket, probably should leave in a straight jacket.
• Jeremy – There is something unsettling about him but we can’t figure out what yet. 
• Jordan C. – Brought popcorn, has glasses, that’s about it.
  Jordan M. – No impression whatsoever (sorry bro).
• Joe – You’re a doctor in the middle of a pandemic, don’t you have better things to be doing? But we guess good job on making it to the next episode as an Asian man.
• Kenny – If a giant pectoral eagle/ American flag tattoo isn’t a red flag we’re not sure what is.
  Mike – The only impressive thing about him is that he’s the only “Mike” this season. 
• Page – Working on some sort of cheap cartoon villain facial hair. 
• Riley – We literally don’t have notes on him from his intro. 
• Robby – Or him, just that he was disposable. 
• Tyler C. – Tried to play the noble guy, that backfired hard. We do believe him about his side of the drama though. 
• Tyler S. – Boy Band and skeez manager. 
• Yosef – Something is way off about this dude.
• Zac C. – An addiction specialist and also a fetus. Not a chance he makes it far.
• Zach J. – Had the cojones to “steal her for a sec” first, comes off wholesome but as interesting as a piece of white bread. 

Love at First Sight?

Ok back to Dale – Clare seems to have fallen head over heels for Dale upon first meeting him. She went so far as to proclaim that she felt she met her husband after their intro. After all at 39 “you just know.”

Well Clare, we kind of disagree because at this point (and given your track record on previous appearances) you clearly have a really bad radar when it comes to love. We of course thank you for that or you wouldn’t continue to provide cannon fodder to this trash franchise we can’t get enough of. 

While the show is clearly trying to set up that this might be the motivation for her calling it quits early but we sense it’s a red herring. If they’re playing this up this hard in the premiere, we sense it’ll get real tedious real fast.

Where Do We Go from Here?

Overall aside from a silly manufactured fight between Luke and Yosef there wasn’t that much that happened in this episode. The majority of the drama seems to have come from the COVID precautions setup and all of the montages of what’s to come this season. 

Quite frankly, we don’t find Clare to be a particularly compelling Bachelorette. Her most genuine moments came around her talking about her mother, who is suffering from dementia and Alzehimers. We legit know the pain of having a family member with the same conditions so we extend nothing but support there).

Our greatest fear is that when Clare leaves the show (as they continuously hint she will) that they bring in Tayshia as a replacement Bachelorette. 

The idea of having only the second person of color as a main contestant have to serve as an understudy and only get half a season with men who have already claimed they’re there for someone else is revolting. We hope they don’t do Tayshia dirty like that but we sense that that’s where this is headed. 

The show has an opportunity to start to try to make up for its history of conscious or unconscious racial discrimination. Yet by handing the second Black Bachelorette the leftovers of a white contestant they would reinforce the idea that people of color are second class citizens in Bachelor Nation. The ship has likely sailed on production and we’ll wait to see if they surprise us, but we aren’t holding our breath. 

Keep an eye out for more The Bachelorette coverage