CHAMPAGNE PROBLEMS, OR THE PROBLEM WITH CHAMPAGNE – THE BACHELOR

January 14, 2020 thedhk

Peter looking like a douche canoe. (ABC/Eric McCandless)

Champagne problems or problems with champagne. Either way it’s time to take a look at Episode 2 of Season 24 of “The Bachelor” – spoilers after the break.

Bye Bye Hannah Prime (for now)

Through mascara stained conversations we finally receive closure (OR DO WE – see my write up of Episode 1) from Hannah B.

Way to do her dirty with not giving her waterproof mascara, Hair and Makeup Team…. Slash well played.

You have to give her props for doing everything in her power to reclaim her storyline. After her disastrous choice of picking Jed (homie outright said he was there for his music, he ADMITTED to being there for the wrong reasons) this is apparently what she must do to claw her way back to relative dignity.

I don’t fault her for it, I respect the hustle.

One WILD decision they could make next season is to have her be the first ever returning Bachelorette. The odds they do that are about on par with the odds they pick another person of color for the role… So about 0.

Creepiest Moment by Peter

Giving the very genuine and real Madison a framed photo from his parent’s vow renewal. Y’ALL HAVE JUST MET.

Liver Damage

If you wanted to destroy your liver you could drink every time someone mentioned how they didn’t want to talk about Hannah B anymore. Or every time Peter apologized for canceling the date.

What is she supposed to do with this if she doesn’t win? Keep it as a bizarro memento of her time on the show and use it to ward off any future potential suitors?

Villain of the Episode

You’d think given the unintelligible three way fight between Mykenna, Hannah Ann, and a very drunk Kelsey, it would go to Kelsey. But we can do better than that.

When Hannah Ann pops a bottle of champagne that Kelsey brought from home, she unleashes the kraken. By the way, watching Kelsey drink from the bottle and have it blow up in her face was television magic.

“I’ve acknowledged your feelings and I apologize.” – Hannah An

As mentioned in my first look for the season Hannah Ann is shaping up to be a great villain. Even though she didn’t seem to have engineered the champagne swap, she clearly could not have given a rats ass about it. She is all business and her monotone delivery towards the other women is pure ice. She could give Elsa a run for her money.

Her unabashed excitement at when a melty faced Janice Dickinson announces her as the winner of the fashion show challenge probably had the editors salivating.

But all of that is child’s play compared to her use of the “b” word. “Bully.”

Actual bullying is not something to joke about. I don’t know if she actually felt bullied, but given the way she has calculated her way through the show so far I am not inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Kelsey may come off erratically in this episode but she seems spot on in that Hannah Ann seems able to “turn it on.”

Please let this not be “THE” incident of the season that we keep hearing about.

“Who, me?!” – Hannah Ann (ABC/Eric McCandless)

Our First Shameless Product Placement of the Season

I know nada about Revolve, but if you’re looking for $150 high waisted leopard print bikini bottoms and a $1,700 jump suit that appears to be made out of trash bag material, they seem to be your people?

Usually ABC tries to shoehorn in some mediocre bands who I promise the contestants nor audience have ever heard of but usually we get a reprieve from such blatant product placement for two or three episodes.

Peter the Diplomat

I will give Peter credit for remaining somewhat level headed. Between the constant apologies and the somewhat calming of multiple insecure women down from meltdown he comes across as almost genuine. Almost.

Carson Kressley and Janice Dickinson. Janice and Hannah Ann seem to have the same range of facial expressions. (ABC/Eric McCandless)